It’s been a hot second since a blog post update!! In this edition: navigating my early 20’s, grad school thoughts, shifting my mindset around relationships, & (finally) finding self-confidence with an autoimmune disease… BUCKLE UP.
(Almost) 23 with UC
I started this little blog back in 2020 as a 20-year old newly diagnosed with ulcerative colitis (UC) just to share some recipes that don’t hurt my stomach. Its still hard for me to wrap my head around how little I knew about what was going on mentally and physically when I wrote my very first post back in April of that year!
Over the course of the past 2.5 years, UC has broken me to my core while also being the only reason why I’m so passionate about the career I’m pursuing to help other people heal through food.
I’ve always been a self-motivated person, so naturally I’ve always seen my early 20’s as the time I want to try EVERYTHING. I feel like I was the embodiment of the term “hustle culture”, and not in a good way. When I found this gut health passion of mine studying in a human gut microbiome lab, I wanted to create a product that could directly help people heal from chronic disease. Before I knew it, I was a grad student, research assistant, CEO of a budding startup company, managing/training undergraduate students all while trying to write a thesis, attend professional conferences, pitch to investment groups, and do my laundry once every 2 weeks.
I have regrets looking back at the past year if I’m honest. My social life has been almost non-existent, my body feels bloated and inflamed 24/7 (I would do anything to have my marathon energy back), and I haven’t made time for so many little hobbies that I used to be able to do all the time. I regret not surrendering to the plan that God already has in place.
Long story short I’m writing this as an update, a guide to my goals for my last year of school, and how I’ve re-found who I am heading into my 23rd year of life!
New Lifestyle, New Mindset (Not by Choice)
As I briefly glossed over, I was lucky enough to be diagnosed with UC right before the world shut down in March 2020. Literally within 2 weeks of the bad flare that landed me in the hospital, we all were quarantined in our own little bubbles. Things were extremely stressful on a global scale but work, classes, and the chaotic rush of “normal life” disappeared for a while. I was able to fully rest and recover in a unique way that I’m incredibly thankful for in hindsight. Speaking anecdotally, people with autoimmune issues THRIVE on slower-paced lifestyles.
This first year of grad school has been both a special and intense experience. I was truly humbled to realize that my body rejected stress and pressure the way it did. Nobody warned me that I would get so many intense flares, daily bloating during the work day, and that I would pick up every single bug/sickness going around. It was especially frustrating to realize that my close circle of people couldn’t fully understand how debilitating it is.
Some of the biggest grad school lifestyle changes that I’ve encountered (and still in the process of conquering) include:
- Long lab hours without water/food
- The pressure of deadlines/expectations
- Lunch Meetings – very hard for anyone with dietary restrictions
- Professional conferences
- Lack of structure – it’s so difficult to find moments to put down work
I was managing UC symptoms pretty seamlessly before grad school, but the past few months have taught me that I desperately need to re-think some strategies. Over the past year trying to navigate this new lifestyle, I’ve also been diagnosed with hoshimotos (another autoimmune thing). Stress is one of my biggest autoimmune triggers for both of these diseases so I’ve recently tried to take up the Darwinist mindset of “survival of the most rested”. lol.
That being said, I’m still trying to figure out how I can incorporate rest into my chaotic life. But I intend to start with:
- Daily prayers for peace and patience
- Running less/ incorporate less intense forms of movement
- Only making time for people that fill me up
- Writing priority lists
- Slowing down- things will fall into place when they are meant to.
- Eating nourishing foods, and enough food to thrive
- Pursue hobbies that renew my excitement for life
Every single one of these will be challenging, but that’s part of the reason I’m writing it here. Accountability. These promises to myself are out in the world now so I have to fulfill them… That’s how it works, right?
How to/How not to: Relationships
Relationships have been a huge learning curve for me this past year. It’s already more difficult to make and keep friendships in adulthood, but it’s even more difficult to let people into my close circle when I’m constantly not feeling like myself or shifting/cancelling plans from UC flares.
It’s almost as if UC made me feel inferior to my “past self” for a while, like I can’t fully trust myself.
If I can’t trust myself, how can I expect other people to?
Constantly comparing myself to my pre-autoimmune disease self was toxic, and unfortunately I never realized this until a couple months ago. Coming into relationships insecure with my “new self” just became normal. I would constantly make excuses, sweep things under the rug, and push through social events in pain. To this day, I have no clue why I did that.
Trying to put up a perfect-on-the-outside exterior as the world started opening back up after the pandemic actually pushed me away from more people than I’d like to admit. I suddenly had a hard time bringing authenticity into my friendships and romantic relationships. Looking back, I really think that this internal battle of mine is what let to my first real heartbreak, why I lost touch with some of my closest friends, and why I’ve struggled making new ones in this post-grad phase of life.
As I’m starting to re-build these friendships and start dating again, I’ve really made it a point to not retract back into my past tendencies. We each individually have so much impact and value to offer in this world, and I’m finally trusting that the right people will see that. Perfection is boring.
I hope you needed to hear that as much as I needed to write that<3
xoxo – hannah
